An Expert Explains the Psychology Behind a One-Sided Relationship
When it comes to navigating the murky waters of a relationship, we often turn to experts in the field for trusted advice. As much as we like to lean on our friends (or, let's be honest, Google) for guidance, sometimes you need someone a bit more qualified to survey the situation in order to gain clarity. And who better to seek advice from when you're unsure about where you stand with your significant other than someone with a degree in psychology?
While Kelly Campbell can't read others' thoughts, she does have a PhD and is an associate professor of psychology and human development at California State University, San Bernardino, which is pretty close to being a mind reader in our book. Considering Campbell's credentials, we turned to her for intel on the psychology behind a one-sided relationship. According to Campbell, this type of romantic relationship is one in which the power is imbalanced and one person is "putting in a lot [more] in terms of resources (time, money, emotional investment) [than the other] and getting little to nothing in return."
Ahead, Campbell explains everything you need to know about a one-sided relationship, including what it is, how to tell if you're in one, and how to navigate the next steps.
What Is It?
Campbell explains that a one-sided relationship involves one person investing much more time and energy (and, in some cases, money) into the relationship than their partner. "Sometimes one person 'carries' the relationship for a period of time, such as when a partner is ill or things aren't going well," she expands. "But, in order for a relationship to be healthy and satisfying, it takes effort from both people," she adds. "One person can't carry the burden over an extended period."
What Are the Red Flags?
You're putting in more effort than your partner.
According to Campbell, one indication is simply the feeling "that the relationship is inequitable or unequal." If you feel like this is the case, "you might document how time is spent including who does what," she advises. "This will help the under-benefitted person identify how things are going and better understand the extent of the one-sidedness."
Your priorities are different from your partner's.
"Maybe all of your money and free time goes toward the relationship, whereas [your] partner's goes toward other things, such as buying clothes, paying for a gym membership, and spending time out with friends," Campbell explains. "In a healthy relationship, both partners prioritise each other over anything else."
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behaviour.
"If you find yourself making excuses all the time for your partner's behaviour, it's a sign you are compromising and sacrificing too much," says Campbell. "For example, if you have a date night planned and the person is very late or makes other plans, they clearly don't value you or the relationship as much as you do."
Your partner is controlling.
"This is a sign that the power is imbalanced, and the relationship needs to change," says Campbell. "Insecure partners try to control the other by limiting their contact with family and friends, dictating what they should wear, how they should act, etc.," she explains. "This is something that typically happens gradually over time, little by little. It's a very dangerous situation and a big sign that things need to change."
What Are the Next Steps?
If you feel that you're in an imbalanced relationship, Campbell suggests documenting your time and making a concrete list of observations. If after making these observations, you feel that things are one-sided, you need to communicate your feelings with your partner, she explains. Your partner can't read your mind, so there's no way for them to know a problem exists without you expressing your feelings, she says.
However, initiating change can be the hardest part of navigating a one-sided relationship. "The problem with one-sided relationships is that often it is just one partner initiating these 'talks' because being in what we call an over-benefitted situation (getting more out of a relationship than you are putting in) can be quite comfortable," Campbell explains. "So your partner may not respond favourably to the complaint," she cautions.
In fact, "researchers call this pattern 'demand-withdrawal,' which involves one partner is initiating a discussion or requesting a change and the other withdrawing from the conversation and avoiding discussion," she elaborates. "It's a very unhealthy and a common pattern" in one-sided relationships, she adds. "If the over-benefitted cares about the other's well-being, they will seek to improve the balance and take on more of the work or put in more effort," says Campbell.
"If a partner does not change after being made aware of the imbalance, the partnership might not be a good fit and the under-benefitted person should consider moving on," she adds.